Why we return to our ex – the opinion of a psychologist

Reuniting with the ex has become a trend. The whole world is watching with admiration a new stage in the relationship between Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck… And if earlier, the most terrible after Saturday gatherings with friends over a bottle of wine were calls and correspondence with the ex, now people increasingly began to wonder why the stars are allowed, but we are taboo. We wondered is it worth going back to the ex.

It helped us to figure it out practicing psychologist in child and family psychologyTamara Dobudoglo.

Practicing psychologist for child and family psychology Tamara Dobudoglo / Photo: Today

It happens that people renew alliances that broke up earlier. But is there a chance to “step into the same river twice”? And what could be the “new old relationship”?

I propose to discuss reasons why there may be a desire to restore the union.

Belief in the best

One of the partners falls into the illusion that the other will change. This belief is often built on a fantasy image of a relationship and a partner. Therefore, it seems to us that all difficulties will be solved by themselves, an honest and open analysis of the problems will not be carried out.

In fact, it is “running in a vicious circle”. So, one forgives the other, gets into the same relationship, with the same disappointments or problems, then leaves them again, then again the illusion of changes, again an attempt to resume the relationship and so on in a circle.

Fear of loneliness

Fear that we will not meet a new person and we will not build a relationship. Most often, people with low self-esteem, or people experiencing a break in their first relationship, are susceptible to this fear. For example, a person has little or no experience in building relationships with partners. There is nothing to rely on. And there is an inner conviction that existing relationships are the only way to escape loneliness.

Incomplete stage

It is characteristic of strong feelings, as well as the first experience of a relationship (the first sexual experience, including). In such a situation, it is difficult to accept the end of the relationship. There is no other, positive experience, and people want to return again and again to each other, for a sense of security, security, involvement.

Fear of the new

People break up for different reasons. More often, a break is initiated by one of the partners, less often it is a mutual desire. Therefore, one is more offended than the other. After such an experience, it can be very difficult to enter into new relationships, get to know a new partner, build trust in new relationships, and re-create closeness within those relationships.

Being open to new experiences with a new partner is a willingness to embrace the unknown, without the assurance that the experience will be positive.

This is where fear appears, and the brain often “prompts” the simplest option – to return to the usual “comfort zone”. And he can push to resume previous relationships.

Anyone can feel the urge to resume a relationship that broke up earlier. But to make sure that this desire does not become a trap for you, you can decide if you honestly and openly talk with your partner, discussing all the difficulties. Each of the parties voices their claims and wishes so that a new attempt at a relationship is successful.

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