How to recognize an abuser – says a psychologist

In relationships, people most often look for support, love, reciprocity. But alas, not all relationships in a couple can become a resource and fill emotionally. Some, on the contrary, devastate and destroy the partner’s personality.

It’s about codependent, abusive relationships, relationships with stalkers… How to recognize that you are in such a partnership and how to get out of it, we asked you to explain practicing psychologist on child and family psychology Tamara Dobudoglo.

Practicing psychologist for child and family psychology Tamara Dobudoglo / Photo: Today

What is a relationship with an abuser

Any kind abusive relationship – this is a relationship in which the interests, needs, comfort of one partner are in absolute priority, and also when the influence on the second partner is aggressive with pressure. It can be physical, moral or emotional abuse.

This is a dysfunctional relationship model, as it leads to complete depreciation and harm to the other.

Psychological abuse is not a relationship, but a bullying of a person / Photo: unsplash.com

Why do we fall into this kind of relationship

Low self-esteem of one of the partners and dominant, authoritarian and selfish partner… Such differences between partners first help to connect as much as possible, complement each other. But in such a bundle it is very difficult to see a gap. After all, an insecure, anxious, doubting partner will always complement a strong one. And to notice harm in this union, alas, is very difficult.

Acquired helplessness. Greetings from childhood… If you are often told the phrases: “don’t take it, you still won’t succeed”, “don’t even try, it’s not your mind”, “don’t go in, after you do it anyway”, etc. The main message is even before the start of the effort. devalue and define the failure of the child.

If a person grows up in such an environment, most likely he will have problems with self-worth. It is highly likely that a person will end up in a relationship where the partner will dominate and thereby give the false illusion of confidence. This kind of relationship reinforces the weaker’s insecurity and dependence. It also greatly reduces the criticality of the problem. Simply put, the other simply “does not see” the problem, and, as a result, does not understand what needs to be changed until the situation becomes critical.

Traumatic experience previous relationship. In this case, the psyche is “protected” from new experience, it seems to a person that it is easier to stay where he is.

Melancholy, depression, reduced emotional background of one of the partners. An interesting fact, often we enter into relationships, being not in the best state of fullness emotionally. We do not immediately notice what kind of relationship we are in. And a person who is going through a difficult emotional period is ideal for an abusive relationship. After all, he is easily influenced.

Abusive relationships often lead to tragic incidents / Photo: unsplash.com

How to recognize abusive relationships:

• lack of freedom of choice… The choice in such a relationship is always predetermined by the interests of one of the partners;
• communication is most often indicative. There is no dialogue, discussion and search for compromises;
• high control and the imposition of rules by one of the partners of everything that happens in a pair: events, feelings, values, goals, etc.;
• all communication in a pair is carried out through manipulation and emotional blackmail – the dominant partner uses the dependent partner’s fears against him;
• addicted partners often lose confidence in their own feelings, decisions, desires. Their truth, value and importance. As well as difficulties and inability to be alone with yourself and these feelings;
• addicted partners have constant dissonance of inner experiences and external manifestations. This personal conflict can be amplified by the previous point.

Abuse can be overcome! The main thing is to ask for help in time. / Photo: unsplash.com

Why is it difficult to get out of such a relationship:

• substitution of concepts: abuse is perceived as care and a manifestation of love;
• the victim always feels strong attachment (on the verge of dependence, fanaticism) to the partner;
• there are often reinforcing factors: children, financial obligations, etc.;
• the dependence of one of the partners is often supported with the help of fear: for personal safety, the safety of loved ones, the inability to build another separate life, to cope with something on their own, etc.

What to do and how to be saved

Working with a psychologist. Alas, if you get into this type of relationship, it can be difficult to get out of them on your own. Since the exit is characterized by doubts and emotional breakdowns. You need to enlist professional support.

Support from family and friends. They will expand your perception of the world and remind you that there is another reality. It is enough just to listen to their words. This is very motivating.

Friends and family will help you recognize the abuser / Photo: unsplash.com

If possible, prepare financially. Stability, freedom and independence in finances greatly enhances the inner sense of confidence.

Train your perception: learn to separate yours and others. Their actions, decisions, choices from strangers. And along with this, and responsibility for actions.

No matter how in detail I analyze the essence of abusive relationships – they have always been and are complex. First of all, because to understand and find yourself in them is a task with an asterisk. And in order to rebuild the scenario that leads to such a relationship, you need to work a lot with a psychologist, deal with your life experience and history.

I sincerely wish everyone to find their own specialist, enlist support and be careful with themselves.

: What to do if bullied at home: where to go for help