Summer vacations are often associated with the idea of boosting libido. Behind this image, the reality is more nuanced. As sex therapist and psychoanalyst Catherine Blanc explains in Sans Rendez-vous, vacations can be a hardship for some couples. Indeed, desires are not necessarily in tune and being alone with your partner can sometimes be unsettling. This is what worries Xaviere who seeks advice from the sex specialist in Europe 1.
The holidays are coming, yet I feel the anguish rising in me that it does not happen happily. I have the feeling that my partner and I weren’t expecting the same. What is happening to me ?
Catherine Blanc’s response
It is not always easy to go on vacation together because life allows us to live in community by offering each of us a little freedom through occupations and work. The people are together but not completely. This allows the boring side to be better supported. As the holidays arrive, we will meet face to face. This is also somewhat what happened with the Covid. Some couples exploded in flight because they ended up face to face when others ended up because they were no longer polluted from the outside.
In the case of Xaviere, the fear is not to be in tune: I will want to sleep, he will want to play sports; I’m going to want to trudge, he’s going to want to make love; I will want to take care of the children, he will ask to put them in the baby club, etc. It highlights the couple’s difficulties that can usually go unnoticed.
Is it annoying not to have the same desires for your vacations within a couple?
Vacation periods represent very little time. This is precisely what makes the anger of those who would like to do with the other when the other takes flight. This shows that, ultimately, our life together is a life that is organized around this flight. This highlights the difficulties of desire.
In addition, people have the idea that sexuality is seasonal, that is to say that when the weather is nice, we are supposed to be super excited, which is obviously not the case. One will tell himself that the other will finally be available. The reality is that the one who is in difficulty will take the opportunity to find an occupation or admit his total exhaustion and sleep.
Should we agree in advance?
We can agree and we can tell ourselves that there are things that are essential for us and that we long for the freedom to do them. But it always has to be a win-win story. If it’s just one who rules, it’s not going to work. You have to know how to tell yourself that there are things you can do and others not, and not to invent skills that you don’t have.
I meet a lot of couples on the eve of the holidays who urgently call me for consultations, as if a couple consultation is going to sort out what has been played out all year and is going to be highlighted or seen during the holidays. .
So the holidays are revealing?
Some say “it passes or it breaks and that will decide the re-entry”, but this is not true. We usually come on vacation tired, so our view of our couples is already distorted. We must already allow ourselves to rest for a while to be able to assess things and approach gently, not wanting to jump on it or want to wonder about the climb of Everest. Everything in its time. It will always be possible at the start of the school year to consult if we have realized that there is really a significant dissynchrony.
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